DLTQ.org

It has mostly been a sad weekend so far. On friday, while I was reading the new novel Løvekvinden by Erik Fosnes Hansen, I slowly realized that … I cannot recognize myself.

Since the injury and the head concussion at the end of march I have not only been very passive, but I have also been extremely irritable. Just the slightest thing can turn me into a flaring fire inside. Yesterday I was in a particular bad mood, feeling very isolated, passive. I remember sitting in a cafe, with a coffee, trying to read, and I couldn’t get any further at all. The text on the book turned into a tumbling sea of letters. I felt hints of the old nausea, but it wasn’t too bad. I wanted to talk with someone about it, but I didn’t know where to turn. I didn’t want to bother my family about this; they will only repeat their insistance that I should return home, to Norway, relax for a few months, and then re-find my real passion and go for it from there. I tell them that I am fine, here, I enjoy the work at the bookstore, I want some stability now, I found a new apartment now, where I can have my own space, head-space, be me. I tried to reach out to some others, but they either are too busy with their lives, or I don’t know them well enough to want to talk about these more private issues (and yet, hah!, I am blogging about it her). I was irritable. I felt abandoned, yet I knew I was also the one pushing people away.

So, last night, I finally had enough. I’m done with this. Not this, but that. Done for good.

The good thing about working in the bookstore is that I am not dependant on the vlogosphere / blogosphere for my survival. I don’t need to kiss any web 2.0 VC or CEO shoes or do the appropriate @’s on Twitter to be able to do my thing. As I wrote earlier, I have some video concepts now. I am more formally going to work with the artform. Push things further, further.

For half a year, I have promised Erik Nelson that I will do a video for Carp Caviar. It is a video collaboration with Philip - he mainly does the audio, I the visuals. He already provided the audio months+months ago, I never felt ready to do the visuals. I know some things about how I want it to be, look, feel, but I do not know the rest. Now that I will move in to my new apartment next weekend I will slowly begin working on this again.

I don’t know what to do with my flaring mood, it’s almost like a tick - I did some research and I found this page that gave it a name: Post Concussion Syndrome (PCS). Wee, I now suffer from a syndrome. I’ve always been a person who can easily snap at you with a comment, and I certainly come across as a person who is quite rude at times (but my anger always passes in some moments), but it has not been like this before. So I guess my solution for now is to withdraw further. I will work this out. I will consult my doctor some more. I will blog/vlog some, but I will disable comments (yes, not good blogging form, but I frankly don’t care). I will mostly stay off IM systems.

How long will this go on? I hope it will pass by the end of summer. I don’t like being like this. I don’t like the feeling when I read something online, or in the newspaper, and it just starts boiling inside; a bursting volcano: “The stupidity!”

After Løvekvinden (which will actually be published on May 25th here in Denmark by Gyldendal - I am reading the advance copy sent to the bookstore), I will turn to Tor Nørretranders “Civilisation 2.0“, which was also recently published here in Denmark, and then I will return to Virginia Woolf for a book - she is an old favourite of mine.

I am definitely turning inwards into my own bubble here in Copenhagen and the world of books. I will probably be deleting quite a lot of the videos/blog entries I have published here and elsewhere - I cannot stand how things look now. I will however try to create new things as well.

I am sorry if I have offended you the last months. It has been a rough ride.

Now I will go outside, enjoy the sunshine and the book - is actually quite good.