DLTQ.org

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I have been thinking a lot about processes since my last entry, and today the word “alchemy” came to mind. Alchemy, as in the esoteric/chemical experiments throughout the Centuries, with most importance during the birth and growth of modern science. And alchemy, as in the more spiritual sense, is about a transformation of emotions and moods. A transformation from anger to forgiveness, or from impatience to focus.

The last years, I have been unable to properly deal with my father’s death in 2003. He died of throat cancer, and I felt very guilty about not being there when he died; instead prioritizing to be at work that night, do my duty towards my boss, be available to him. My father’s death led to a personally strong depression of mine which culminated during my months in Oslo in 05/06. I was filled with apathy and passivity – more so than usual – and I went deeper and deeper into a living hell of constant doubt and a weird, weird form of perfectionism that led to months of no real work being done.

The funny thing is that it was during this period that I discovered videoblogging, and it is despite the depression that I managed to muster the passion and energy for the field as I sometimes have expressed.

Since I moved to Denmark, I have spent a lot of energy on different processes that all, somewhat, led to a lifting of the spirit. Already while in Oslo, I had managed to get rid of my compulsive gambling addiction (it was BAD), and during the last months I have learned to – among other things – get rid of my fear of the dentist. Last friday was the date of my biggest (and most expensive) dental operation, and even though it left me sick for the weekend, I now feel a renewed energy. I guess that also comes through my recent postings here on DLTQ.

I am still working on the alchemy of my own soul. I have a hard time turning the cheaper metals of the soul – anger, frustration, disappointment, even hatred to a certain point – into something that can lead to something. To learn to forgive, including forgiving myself, without reverting to expressing that everything is ok, a type of laissez-faire which is not healthy either.

I go through the different red threads of my life, and I see that a common theme is the sense of betrayal. Being betrayed by family or friends. My father leaving me when I was two, a friend suddenly wanting to go shop with its mother when it knew that I needed it for my father’s funeral, a friend lying to me about important things. I also see where I in my turn have betrayed others. Have not done what I promised to do, even with all my good intentions. Have not been there for them when they needed me. One example is a friend of mine from Serbia that really appreciates our friendship and who wants to do different things with me too, related to politics and civic society. I have not contacted him for months. Not because I don’t, deep down, care about him, but because I have been too dragged down into my own inner battles. Externally, I may have been gaming endlessly, or checking the same blogs again and again, compulsively, but inside, I have been trying to find new formulas, new ways to look at things.

This blog is turning into a different thing, and yet it stays on the route of narcissistic expressions of inner thought processes. I wish I could just make it into a weblog about the business of videoblogging in Europe, or a daily screencast show, or tracking how these new media forms are changing society, including politics. But I cannot. Not yet.

Is there a door of opportunity that I am letting close because I don’t revert to making shows, or find funds to do social experiments with videoblogs in my continent, region or country? Maybe, I do not know, but I do know that I cannot fake things. I am a very bad faker. (And yet, in some ways, I do fake a lot. I do cover my apathy a lot, trying to work around things, deadlines.)

Alchemy. Process. Introvert / Extrovert. I have decided to create a few darknets of my own. We will see what will happen with these other spaces. Arenas for discussion.

My lunch break is soon over. I will go back to the bookstore, spend more time figuring out exactly what I want to do with our religion and philosophy department. It is a new field for me, and I am beginning to enjoy learning things again. About time.

Worlds of possibility? Yes, so many of them. We know from fiction and social research what could be or is.

What do we want?

Some time ago I purchased J.D. Lasica’s book “Darknet: Hollywood’s War against the Digital Generation”. I am currently reading it, and it is one of the books I will cover here on DLTQ.

According to Wikipedia, a Darknet is “a private virtual network where users connect only to people they trust.”

The wikipedia article refers to ‘lightnet’, and also touches upon several other issues. Of course, Lasica’s book is more comprehensive and it asks some important questions about the future of ‘the digital generation’.

I will go more into detail in Lasica’s book later, but for now the question is: Do we need darknets in the vlogosphere? Do we need it in a situation where whatever I publish on a blog, especially if it is hosted on Blip.tv it seems, might get used for commercial reasons by Myheavy or whatever other new Youtube-wannabe company that is out to get some content for their advertisers.

I have not checked out spinxpress in a long time, but I am interested in how that would work as one example of a closed-circuit network. Have you tried out spinxpress? How does it work for you? I will try out the new spinxpress 2 version sometime this week.

Myself, I generally believe more in lightnets. Of information being spread without walled gardens and gatekeepers.

Lightnet are like open source software where anyone is invited to participate where the darknets are more like the proprietary systems regulated by invitation and social networks. Of course, on Kazaa, any teenage fool could get on and download the latest Britney Spears, but I am talking about real darknets; the small, tight-knit groups that work largely on trust.

It will be interesting to see how the different networks develop, and how the mainstream media as well as individuals will meet the challenges ahead.

If you, in the spirit of free information, let information loose that others then abuse, how often would you then deep inside feel a wish that you could – after all – somehow control the flow of information?

There is something that has been bugging me for the longest time: My internet addiction.

The belief that the more time I would spend on-line, the more nodes of information would magically come within reach, and the more my brain could make connections between otherwise separate ideas. I thought, unconsciously, that the more videos I uploaded and/or published on this videoblog, the better things would become. I expected, perhaps, the 43th IM conversation about videoblogging, per se, in general, might lead to new resolutions and new insight.

My confession is not about internet addiction as such, but you can see it here:

Click To Play

Earlier, far too often, I saw time away from the internet as a loss, of some sort. Lack of internet. Lack of connectivity. I remember before I got rid of most of my books in 2002 (long story) – I had books all over my apartment, and yet I spent so little time with them, learning from them, and breaking free from inertia.

This is not about any clear cuts. No easy solutions; no mantras such as “stay away from the internet for 6 months”. But I will play it down. I will try to have a better balance. And above all: I will strive to once again enjoy books like I did when I was younger. When I could read a book untill near dawn, sucking it in.

But the books are nothing by themselves. Or, well, they are nothing compared to what they could be by being discussed by living people. By being contrasted with other books. By being used in one way or another. Of course, you may say that it is difficult to use Charles Dickens in your daily life – this is not some NLP coaching book we are talking about – but I guess you know what I mean.

I guess this emphasis on books in my life is spurred dramatically by my new day job as a bookseller in a bookstore here in Denmark. Salesperson with responsbility for such books as our art books, our architecture books, our sociology books and our computer books. My motivation for taking this job is not primarily that I Need Cash (even though that is an important part of the picture), but – I really want to work within the book market.

And I want to look into how books fit in with del.icio.us, blogging, videoblogging, screencasting, and all that. How books fit in with politics and society on a larger scale. And how we perhaps as people from different parts of the world could use a quick analysis of the book market of different countries as a way to see what is going on in that country.

I will definitely read more, but I will also try to write more. So, yes, I will try to really write daily here on dltq.org – and if you don’t see a post here in a few days, feel free to e-mail me and tell me off!

But yes, my confession: the last many years I have done far too little reading. It is time to fix that.

Have a good morning/day/evening!

I have been thinking a lot about space today. Space, places, and how we function within it. Architecturally speaking, space has a major importance. We all know the different feelings we get when we are in two very different spaces. When the lighting is different, when the texture of the floor feels dramatically different, when a space seems overwhelming, or underwhelming, yes, near claustrophobic.

Space also has to do with how we situate ourselves related to others. We know the meaning of space as it is uttered by a woman: “He doesn’t give me any space at all!” – referring to her husband.

Space also has to do a lot with our identity; how we view ourselves, in relation to the other, or to the others. Yesterday, I talked with Peter van Dijck shortly about why he sold Mefeedia, and he said it very well: “I’d rather dance in the party than organize it.” I have not talked as much with Chris Weagel as I used to – basically because he does not spend as much time on-line as before – but I am sure that he must have a lot to say about the vlogosphere as a space. How it limits, or expands, our perceptions of what is possible, or ‘right’, or interesting.

Last December, after having quite a rough time last autumn with different things, I decided to accept an offer from a bookstore here in Copenhagen to work full-time on a temporary contract. I really enjoyed that – enjoyed dealing with real books, real customers, real suppliers, and real colleagues that I could interact with, in the physical space, on a daily basis. Note, that when I say real, I actually mean physical. I really do not believe that on-line relationships, for instance, are less real than off-line ones. Of course, we could argue about that till Doomsday, but that is at least not a distinction I believe in. I am in a period where I really need to ground myself in the physical. I need to exercise, relate to physical beings, and orientate myself from there.

About a week ago I signed on for a permanent contract with this bookstore in central Copenhagen. I am responsible for some book sections, including art books, architecture, philosophy, religion, sociology, debade/politics, law, computers, language learning, and so on. I enjoy being in that space, even though I sometimes, during the day, miss the other space. The space of URL’s and instant connections between agents of change from around the world.

So I will continue in that space too. I will try to write here on DLTQ.org, daily, and sometimes add video content as well. I will probably be doing some more blogging/videoblogging consulting for clients, but that will not be what primarily ‘puts the salt on my table’.

I will go back to the bookstore now after this lunch break, and I will try to figure out a few more things about space. Why it was important for me before, and why it is important for me now.

How do you relate to your space? Both physically, conceptually and emotionally.

As a Norwegian citizen, I belong to a minority. A minority of people living in the so-called Developed World. A country that is at the top of the U.N. Development Index. A country that makes a fortune on selling oil, and then using some of the profits to invest in foreign countries.

As a Norwegian, I belong to a privileged minority.

As Norwegians, we are a country that has a small, yet noticeable role in the world. We send delegations of commerce and good-will around the world, doing deals and building schools. As Norwegians, we are part of wider networks, doing deals and making change globally – the Paris Club is just one of those wider networks.

As citizens of this world, whether we live in Norway or Nepal, China or Chicago, we have opportunities beyond our wildest imagination. Opportunities to share ideas across boundaries. To share ideas, collaborate, and together move forward.

DLTQ.org – Don’t Lose The Question – is a blog about some of the challenges that lie ahead. About finding new – and old – ways to connect the dots.

In a world where information floats ever faster, we must settle down on the issues that matter.

DLTQ.org hereby starts afresh once again.